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Jokes #1
One
day
a
college
professor
of
Psychology
was
greeting
his
new
college
class.
He
stood
up
in
front
of
the
class
and
said:
-
"Would
everyone
who
thinks
he
or
she
is
stupid
please
stand
up?"
After
a
minute
or
so
of
silence,
a
young
man
stood
up.
-
"Well,
hello
there
sir.
So
you
actually
think
you're
a
moron?"
The
professor
asked.
The
kid
replied:
-
"No
sir,
I
just
didn't
want
to
see
you
standing
there
all
by
yourself."
*****
What
Do
These
Animals
Say?
A
mother
was
reading
a
book
about
animals
to
her
3
year
old
daughter:
Mother:
"What
does
the
cow
say?"
Child:
"Moooooooo!"
Mother:
"Great!
What
does
the
cat
say?"
Child:
"Meow."
Mother:
"Oh,
you're
so
smart!
What
does
the
frog
say?"
The
wide-eyed
little
three-year-old
looked
up
at
her
mother
and
replied,
"Bud."
*****
We
are
born
naked,
wet,
and
hungry.
Then
things
get
worse.
As
long
as
there
are
tests,
there
will
be
prayer
in
public
schools.
Laugh
alone
and
the
world
thinks
you're
an
idiot.
He
who
laughs
last
thinks
slowest.
Always
remember:
you're
unique,
just
like
everyone
else.
Lottery:
A
tax
on
people
who
are
bad
at
math.
*****
Three
blondes
are
attempting
to
change
a
light
bulb.
One
of
them
decides
to
call
911:
Blonde:
We
need
help.
We're
three
blondes
changing
a
light
bulb.
Operator:
Hmmmmm.
You
put
in a
fresh
bulb?
Blonde:
Yes.
Operator:
The
power
in
the
house
in
on?
Blonde:
Of
course.
Operator:
And
the
switch
is
on?
Blonde:
Yes,
yes.
Operator:
And
the
bulb
still
won't
light
up?
Blonde:
No,
it's
working
fine.
Operator:
Then
what's
the
problem?
Blonde:
We
got
dizzy
spinning
the
ladder
around
and
around.
*****
The
Genie:
Two
guys
are
out
fishing.
One
of
them
hooks
an
old
bottle
and
hauls
it
in.
As
he
is
rubbing
it
to
clean
it
up,
a
genie
pops
out.
"For
setting
me
free,"
says
the
genie,
"You
can
have
one
wish...anything
you
want."
The
angler
thinks
for
a
minute,
then
says,
"Turn
the
whole
lake
into
beer."
POOF!
The
genie
is
gone
and
the
entire
lake
has
become
ice
cold
brew.
His
buddy
looks
around
and
shakes
his
head.
"Way
to
go,
stupid...now
we
got
to
pee
in
the
boat!"
*****
Lawyer
Joke:
A
lawyer
and
an
engineer
were
fishing
in
the
Caribbean.
The
lawyer
said,
"I'm
here
because
my
house
burned
down,
and
everything
I
owned
was
destroyed
by
the
fire.
The
insurance
company
paid
for
everything."
"That's
quite
a
coincidence,"
said
the
engineer.
"I'm
here
because
my
house
and
all
my
belongings
were
destroyed
by a
flood,
and
my
insurance
company
also
paid
for
everything."
The
lawyer
looked
somewhat
confused.
"How
do
you
start
a
flood?"
he
asked.
*****
Commercial
Problem:
A
guy
calls
the
jeep
company.
RING!
RING!
Jeep
Company
Employee:
Hello?
Man:
Is
this
the
Jeep
company?
JCP:
Yes,
sir,
it
is.
Man:
I
need
to
report
a
very
serious
incident.
JCP:
What
was
this
incident?
Man:
Uh,
ba-da,
well,
ya
see,
I
have
a
Jeep,
and
I
was
driving
down
route
60
and
I
saw
another
one.
JCP:
You
were
driving
down
route
60
and
you
saw
another
Jeep?
Man:
Yes,
that's
correct
JCP:
Um,
I
must
be
missing
something
here,
what
is
the
problem?
Man:
Well,
uh,
ba-da
ya
see,
you're
commercial
says
there's
only
ONE
Jeep.
JCP:
Sir,
what
we
meant
was
that
there's
only
one
BRAND
of
Jeep
Man:
No,
no,
no!
That's
not
what
you
said!!!
You
said
there
was
only
one
JEEP!!!
This
must
mean
there's
2 of
'em.
Maybe
even
more.
JCP:
And
you
bought
you're
Jeep
thinking
that
it
was
the
only
one?
Man:
Yes,
that's
correct.
It
would
b-b-b-become
valuable.
JCP:
Maybe
you
should
talk
to...
Man:
You're
company
has
a
very
misleading
commercial!
JCP:
What?
*****
The
Fishing
Priest
The
priest
was
a
fisherman,
but
he
hadn't
fished
in
months.
One
perfect
Sunday
morning
he
couldn't
resist.
He
called
up
the
Bishop
and
claimed
he
had
laryngitis.
The
priest
then
headed
out
to
his
favorite
spot.
The
hook
hadn't
been
in
the
water
five
minutes
before
he
got
a
strike,
and
landed
the
biggest
fish
he
had
ever
caught
-
although
he
had
seen
bigger
ones.,
A
half
hour*
later,
he
caught
the
biggest
fish
he
had
ever
seen.
Another
forty-five
minutes
later
he
landed
a
fish
that
broke
the
world
record.
All
this
time
St.
Peter
and
God
have
been
watching
the
priest
from
heaven.
St.
Peter
turned
to
God,
and
said,
"How
can
you
reward
this
priest?
He
lied.
He
let
down
his
congregation."
God
smiles
at
St.
Peter,
and
replies,
"I'm
punishing
him."
St.
Peter
is
confused,
so
God
continues,
"Well,
after
he
finishes,
who
can
he
tell
his
story
to?"
How's
the
Fishing?
Fellow
was
fishing.
Guy
walks
up
and
says,
"How's
the
fishing?"
Fellow
says,
"Fishing's
fine."
Guy
says,
"How
many
you
got?"
Fellow
says,
"None."
Guy
says,
"None?
Thought
you
said
the
fishing's
fine!"
Fellow
says,
"Fishing'
is
fine,
catchin's
bad!"
*****
Two
nuns
are
ordered
to
paint
a
room
in
the
convent,
and
the
last
instruction
of
the
Mother
Superior
is
that
they
must
not
get
even
a
drop
of
paint
on
their
habits.
After
conferring
about
this
for
a
while,
the
two
nuns
decide
to
lock
the
door
of
the
room,
strip
off
their
habits,
and
paint
in
the
nude.
In
the
middle
of
the
project,
there
comes
a
knock
at
the
door.
"Who
is
it?",
calls
one
of
the
nuns.
"Blind
man,"
replies
a
voice
from
the
other
side
of
the
door.
The
two
nuns
look
at
each
other
and
shrug,
and,
deciding
that
no
harm
can
come
from
letting
a
blind
man
into
the
room,
they
open
the
door.
"Nice
tits,"
says
the
man,
"where
do
you
want
these
blinds?"
*****
The
Ice
Fisherman
One
day
a
rather
inebriated
ice
fisherman
frilled
a
hole
in
the
ice
and
peered
into
the
hole
and
a
loud
voice
said,
"There
are
no
fish
down
there."
He
walked
several
yards
away
and
drilled
another
hole
and
peered
into
the
hole
and
again
the
voice
said,
:There's
no
fish
down
there."
He
then
walked
about
50
yards
away
and
drilled
another
hole
and
again
the
voice
said,
"There's
no
fish
down
there."
He
looked
up
into
the
sky
and
asked,
"God,
is
that
you?"
"No,
you
idiot,"
the
voice
said,
"it's
the
rink
manager."
*****
A
man
wonders
if
having
sex
on
the
Sabbath
is a
sin
because
he
is
not
sure
if
sex
is
work
or
play.
He
asks
a
priest
for
his
opinion
on
this
question.
The
priest
says,
after
consulting
the
Bible,
"My
son,
after
an
exhaustive
search
I am
positive
sex
is
work
and
is
not
permitted
on
Sundays."
The
man
thinks:
"What
does
a
priest
know
of
sex?"
He
goes
to a
minister...a
married
man,
experienced....for
the
answer.
He
queries
the
minister
and
receives
the
same
reply...."Sex
is
work
and
not
for
the
Sabbath!"
Not
pleased
with
the
reply,
he
seeks
out
the
ultimate
authority--a
man
of
thousands
of
years
of
tradition
and
knowledge--a
Rabbi.
The
Rabbi
ponders
the
question
and
states:
"My
son,
sex
is
definitely
play."
The
man
replies,
"Rabbi,
how
can
you
be
so
sure
when
so
many
others
tell
me
sex
is
work?"
The
Rabbi
softly
speaks:
"If
sex
were
work,
my
wife
would
have
the
maid
do
it!"
*****
Clinton
dies
and
he
goes
to
hell.
Satan
meets
him
there
and
says,
"Bill
we
have
to
find
a
spot
for
you
for
all
of
eternity."
So
Satan
takes
Bill
down
a
hall
and
they
come
to
the
first
door
and
open
it.
Inside
is
Bill
Gates
being
burned
at
the
stake.
"No,"
Bill
balks,
"I
can't
do
that
for
all
eternity."
"Fair
enough,"
replies
Satan.
Satan
takes
Bill
down
the
hall
to a
second
door.
Inside
is
Rush
Limbaugh
being
pulled
apart
on
The
Rack.
"No,"
Bill
again
balks.
"I
can't
do
that
for
all
of
eternity,
either."
Satan
takes
Bill
to
the
last
door.
Inside,
Kenneth
Starr
is
being
held
up
to
the
wall
with
chains
around
his
wrists.
At
his
groin
is
Monica
Lewinsky
giving
him
a
blow
job.
Bill
smiles.
"Yes!"
he
shouts,
"that's
for
me."
Satan
walks
into
the
room
and
kicks
Monica
and
shouts,
"Get
up
Monica,
and
get
out......
Your
replacement's
here."
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Q: What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you?
A: Pull the pin out and throw it back.
Q: What do prisoners use to call each other?
A: Cell phones.
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