Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it. So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. Tom slept well and in fact beat the alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work.
- "Boss", he said, "The pill actually worked!"
- "That's all fine" said the boss, "But where were you yesterday?"

A Journalist has to write a story on the lack of meat in Poland. So he goes to Poland and asks the people:
- "Excuse me, what do you think of the lack of meat in Poland?"
All the poles reply: "Meat? What is meat?"
Seeing he cannot get an answer in Poland he goes to the USSR and asks the Soviets:
"Excuse me, what do you think of the lack of meat in Poland?"
All the Soviets reply: "Think? What is think?"
Seeing he cannot get an answer in the USSR he goes to the USA and asks the Americans:
"Excuse me, what do you think of the lack of meat in Poland?"
All the Americans reply: "Lack? What is lack?"
Seeing he cannot get an answer in the USA he decides to go to Israel, and asks the Israelis:
"Excuse me, what do you think of the lack of meat in Poland?"
To which all the Israelis reply: "Excuse me? What is excuse me?"

One day a blonde went to a sea food restaurant and saw the tank where they kept the lobsters. She took pity on these creatures and hide them in her purse. Later she went to the woods to set the poor animals free.

A man was driving down the road in the country. He looked over and saw a baby pig in the field. He stopped and picked up the pig. He was driving around town with the pig in the car and a cop sees him and pulls him over. Cop says
- "Hey, What are you doing with that pig in the car?", driver says
- "Well, I just found the pig beside the road in the field.", cop says"
- "I want you to take that pig to the zoo!" the driver agrees he will take the pig to the zoo. So the next day the cop sees the guy driving around again and pulls him over.
- "WHAT ARE YOU DOING? I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TO TAKE THAT PIG TO THE ZOO!" reply,
"Well I did take the pig to the zoo. We had such a good time we are going to the ball game now."

A blonde bombshell walks into the airplanes and sits in 1st Class and the stewardess asks her for her ticket... The stewardess tells her that she only has a coach ticket. The blonde says,
- "I'm a cute looking blonde and I'm flying first class." The stewardess replies that she only has a coach seat to Atlanta.... the blonds then retorts,
- "I'm a cute blonde and I'm flying first class". Just then the captain happened by and asked what was happening.... the blonde tells him,
- "I'm a cute blonde and I'm flying first class.... The captain whispers in her ear... and the blonde gets up and jumps into a seat in the coach cabin... The stewardess asks the captain what he said to get her to move so fast.. He replied,
- "I told her that 1st class is not going to Atlanta."

A grandmother receive this note from her 13-year-old granddaughter:
"Thanks for the check. I will use it to buy things my parents say are a waste of money."

There was a German, Swedish and a Polish guy stranded on a Island. They find a genie bottle in the water, they rub it and a genie pops out. The genie says since there is three of you, each one gets one wish, so he starts with the German guy and asks him what he wishes, he says, "I miss my wife and family very much so I would like to be back home." Poof, the German guy is gone. Then the genie asked the Swedish guy what his wish will be and he says, "I also miss my wife and family very much I would like to go home too. Poof, the Swedish guy is gone. Then the genie asked the Polish guy what his wish will be and he says, "You know I miss the other two guys very much I wish they would come back. Poof the German and Swedish guys came back.

This lady got home and bursts in yelling, "Pack your bags honey, I just won the lottery!"
The husband says: "Oh wonderful! Should I pack for the beach or the mountains?"
She then replies, "I don't care... Just get the hell out!"

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. He sips it and sets it down a monkey swings across the bar and pisses in the pint. The man asks the barman who owns the monkey. The barman replies the piano player. The man walks over to the piano player and says,
"Do you know your monkey pissed in my beer." The pianist replies "No, but if you hum it I'll play it."